Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in misha726's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
12:04 am	Bitter I've been thinking about my dad a lot today. Mostly in connection to the wedding. I don't think I'll ever be okay with the fact that he won't be there. That I'm getting married without one of the most important people in my life. Mainly, I've just been thinking about him a lot. Thinking about how much I miss him and terrified because he's slipping away... I'll never forget him, but his face, his voice they aren't as clear as they used to be and now I go days without really thinking about him. I had twenty years with him, but it's not enough. He was supposed to be there for everything, supposed to give me away when at my wedding, supposed to share my life's moments instead of dying before I really became a woman. He's not supposed to be a part of my past, not yet. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 20th, 2008
8:28 pm	This and That I took some advice from Julie and broached the idea of therapy with Mark. He was surprisingy receptive, so I'm now waiting to see the doctor about a referral. I think that will help us, at least I hope so. Other than that... My mother is pushing wedding plans and I'm trying to stall her. I don't want to tell her we're having problems, because she'll interfere, but I also don't want to start planning the whole wedding thing. Having a party on Saturday, a lot of people are coming up for it, which'll be nice. I've really missed everyone, it's the problem with moving away. But it's kinda nice that people are willing to drive 2 hours to see us, makes me feel better. Things are getting better. I've been focusing on planning our trip to Vegas in April, since that's a happy thought. It'll be a nice, relaxing trip. At least, I hope it will. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
10:54 am	Update I was nagged into posting again, so here I am, sorry it's been so long. It was a crazy summer. Things are still brutal with Mark's parents, pretty much the same. They want nothing to do with me, I want nothing to do with them and Mark is in the middle. We called the engangment back on, though not the original date. We're gonna get married sometime in 2010, we'll worry about the details later. I'm back at school and so far, so good. I like my classes, I like Peterborough, so that's good. My course load isn't too bad either, which is nice. Got some stuff do, but not so much that I'm over-whelmed. I went to the Toronto KA meet this summer and it was definitely the high point. It was wonderful getting to see people again and meeting people for the first time. I have made so many wonderful friends from the people on that board, I consider myself so blessed witht he people I've met there. Definitely the best part of my summer. Other than that, not a lot to say. I'm alive and well and I promise to post more soon! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 29th, 2008
12:20 am	Impossible Situation This impossible week has gotten worse. I thought I found a solution so Mark and I could stay together. Of course, it feels a bit like running away, but it also feels like change and change is good. But... His family (naturally) hates the idea and has been ganging up on him about it. They came up with terms they'd accept for him to go, which aren't unreasonable but basically mean us being separated for a year and him at home where I can't visit, where contact will be limited and where his whole family hates my guts. Weirdly enough I don't see this working for us. The other problem is that I really, really need to get away. I can't spend another year here, just waiting or even doing the school thing in Peterborough, because it might kill me. I need the change, to get away from a while and I've sacrificed my wants for other people's before and it nearly destroyed me. Mark says he'll go, but I know it'll destroy him because he'll be turning his back on his family. So either I make him go and do that to him or I stay and destroy myself. Or I leave and he stays and we either hope we last a year apart (which I know people have done) or break up. I don't want to break up, I love him more than anything else, but I don't see us surviving a year apart given the hostile situation with his parents and anything else will mean one or the other of us will have to sacrifice everything. Not a nice situation to be in. I want a life with Mark so bad, but for the first time I'm just not sure it's possible and its killing me. I just don't know what I'm going to do. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 26th, 2008
2:48 pm	Update First, I want to thank everyone for all their love and support, you guys are awesome. I love you very much and am so glad to be able to call you my friends, even without having met some of you. Mark and I are working things out. Its not great right now, but we're working on it because we love each other very, very much. We're figuring out our options. Right now I'm very optimistic. The engangement is off for now, the relationship is not. That's enough for me. Current Mood: optimistic (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
9:20 pm	Shattered My engangement is off. Mark and I broke up. I am not in a happy place. Will write more later. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2008
11:52 pm	Haunted I've been meaning to update for a while, have promised people updates and have stuff I want to talk about, but this entry isn't about that... Some stuff has happened. Members of my family have gotten themselves with unpleasant business. I won't post the particulars here, but its not pretty. I've always known that my family isn't perfect and that a lot of members dance on a fine moral line, but now I've realized that at least one member has completely broken through that line. It really shook me. Honestly, I'm terrified of the wedding, of Mark's family meeting my family, or at least certain members of it. I don't want to invite this one particular member, but my mother may force me. Though after tonight, I"m pretty determined not to. I can never think of this person the same way ever again, can never respect them again. I love my family, but I certianly don't agree with all their actions and beliefs. Its more than being embarrassed of them, I've terrified of having children. First of all, I was exposed to these lax morals and witnessed things... That, I'd like to forget and I'm afraid it damaged me. Plus, how do I tell my kids about my family? That members have been arrested and do things that I'm less than proud of. Even if I cut myself off from that branch of my family, I'll have to offer some sort of explanation and I... I have no idea what I'll say. I'm feeling very haunted right now. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 13th, 2008
10:49 pm	Essay Success Victory is mine! I think I've written about my Myth & Legends class and how the professor had expressed issues with my writing and research style. My best essay mark this semester was 68%, which is really, really low for me. Needless to say, this did not make me happy. I had one last essay before the exam, an essay on Tennyson's Ulysses, my all-time favourite poem. I worked really hard on this essay and I thought I did a great job, the best that I've done in a really, really long time. Thankfully, my professor agreed, 85% baby! I'm having a very happy moment! Yay me! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
1:48 am	Grief I've been an emotional wreck lately. The littlest things make me completely tear up. Especially things that remind me of my dad. I took the anniversary so well, that I guess I thought the pain was dimming. But lately, every little thing has been reminding me he's gone. Today I was watching an episode of "Full House" (I've been on a kick for some reason) and it was the one with a video showing the girl's mom and I just lost it and started bawling. Maybe because she was killed in a car accident, like my Dad. Its not just blatant reminders, its little things. Last week, "Ruby Tuesday" came on my play list and for the first time in ages, it made me cry. It always make me a little sad, but that day it made me bawl and I had the most bitter, morbid thought. I was remembering Toronto Rocks and that last dance and couldn't help but realize that was it, that instead of the dance at my wedding, that was all I got and it tainted that beautiful memory. Getting married is a wonderful, happy thing, but it makes me miss my Dad so much. I can't hep think he should be giving me away, dancing with me and keeping my mother in check. Instead, he died at 48, never getting to meet the man I love, never getting to see me a bride and I just feel robbed. Like it should have been different. Mark mentioned yesterday that he's afraid that if we name a boy Eric, it won't be fair to our son because the name comes with so many memories. He thinks that me and my family will look for pieces of my father in him and I can't help wonder if he's right. If I'll try and find similiarities to my father, but I might do that anyway. I notice that his friends and family do it with me. Until my father died, most people just commented that i looked my mother, now its the similiarities to my father everyone talks about. How I have his eyes, his lean frame, how my personality in just like his. Its like after they lost him, they needed to find pieces, something to remind him them and well, I was their best source. For me, though, with my grandfather gone and me being an only child, there's not a lot of sources for me to have that, to see my father in someone else. I just... I miss him. More than I have in a long time. I'll never be okay with what happened, I know that. My life will never be the same as it was, my heart'll never be completely whole because he'll always have his place, but usually I'm good... I've moved on and then days like this happen when I just feel so sad, so broken. I love Mark so much, but this is a part of me he can't really understand, for multiple reasons. Both his parents are still living, Thank God, so he's never walked in my shoes. Also, he never knew my dad, so unlike a lot of my freinds, who at least also grieved him, he doesn't have that. All he knows is regret for the loss I suffered and usually it helps, but not on days like this. Everytime I think I'm going to be okay, that the grief is starting to fade, I have days like this where I feel like I'm going to be swallowed up by it. Not as many as I once did, but... Shouldn't I be done with this by now? I did my five stages of grief and found peace for the most part, but every once in a while, it still has the power to cripple me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
10:14 pm	Another Year Passes First, I want to say a big thank you to all my wonderful friends, who've offered their support. I'm a very lucky girl and I think that joining the Kelley Armstrong message board was one of the best decisions I ever made. Again, thank you everyone. Today was okay, not great, not fantastic, but okay. I survived. Had a nice heart-to-heart chat with my mom, which is rare. We've both moved on with our lives in a lot of ways, we still love and miss him, but life goes on. Her boyfriend's a nice enough guy, I like him, I mean he's not my dad, but he doesn't try to be, which is nice. I had my Myths & Legends midterm today. I think it went fairly well, but I don't know for sure. Still, I gave it all I had, I just hope that was enough, ya know? I think the problem is I missed so many classes being out sick. I was sick for several weeks and so its the halfway point and I've only been to a few classes. Not good. The engagement party is on Saturday, so tomorrow I'll be doing a lot of cooking, which is fun. I like to cook. Some dips, some appetizers, and a ckae. I have high hopes for this cake, btw, my first attempt at chocolate ganache. I think I've been planning the party to distract myself, but whatever works, right? Again, thank you everyone for your support, who guys are truly wonderful! Current Mood: thoughtful (5 Comments |Comment on this)
12:12 am	Four Years Today's February 21st. Four years ago today my father was killed in a car accident... Its weird to think that its been that long, but it has been. A lot has changed, I've changed, and yet... Sometimes it feels like no time has passed. Like I only saw him yesterday and others... Other times it feels faded, like the memories are a little dimmer and that's scary. Almost as scary as the realization that I have a life that he has no part of, friends he's never met, a fiance that he's never met. I have a whole life that happened without him. I find it gets a little less painful each year and that scares me too. The first anniversary was horrible. I was on edge for weeks leading up to it and the day of... Well, I kept flashing back. The second year was easier, but it was still painful. Last year was better yet, but I still had rough days leading up to it. This year there was really only the two days. Hell, Mark made a reference today earlier (when it was still the 20th) and I looked at him blankly, for a moment I'd actually forgotten. Which feels almost like a betrayal, you know? Part of me feels I should still be grieving as deeply as I did four years ago, because he was my father and I loved him, so how can I move on in a life without him? Yet anotehr part of me knows that it's natural. Time heals all wounds. Time hasn't made it better, but its made it a little easier, brought me a little more peace. I still love him, still miss him, but my grief isn't the focal point of my life anymore. Today I know I'll be thinking about it, about him. I'll think about that last day. How I was running late for work and only spent ten minutes with him. How my last words were hurried "I love you Daddy, see you later". THoughts about how it must have gone down, how his car must have spun out of control and how he must have tried to right it only to have another car come along before he could... I think that's natural. I used to dwell on it all the time, now I rarely think about it and I almost never think about that awful week after he died because its no longer relevant. I'm no longer that girl. Today's taht day when I think about it, I guess. The day I remember the worst day of my life and then go back to my life, the life I built for myself. Would my life have been different if my father hadn't died at the age of 48? Probably. Life is full of twists and turns, full of what ifs, but it doesn't do well to think about them. Besides, I like my life.  I wish he could be part of it, but... Well, that's not possible. Will today be hard? Of course. But really, its just another day, right? Okay, I'm not quite there yet, I can't forget what this day means, but maybe someday I will be. Maybe I'll get to point when its not about anniversaries, where the grief is just there, not gone, but not ever-present, where I can still treasure the memories of my father without feeling bitter regret over his death. Someday, I'll get there, even if today's not that day. For now, I'll just remember, remember a wonderful man whose life was cut too short. I love you, Daddy. Current Mood: sad (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 28th, 2008
11:43 pm	New Blog So, even though I  never post here, I started another livejournal... Mainly because I don't want to bog this one down with wedding stuff, so I created a wedding blog! Go to </b></a>october09bride, if you'd like... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
4:04 am	Unable to Sleep It's 4 a.m and I woke up, unable to sleep, just filled with dread about everything--school, money, my relationship... I'm terrified my grades won't cut it, wonder how I'll manage to pay for everything, and just scared about the new step I'm about to take and that I'm getting ahead of myself in many ways, I'm just... It's funny, I thought I was doing okay. Things have been good lately, everythings under control and yet... Now I just can't sleep and its all weighing down on me, I feel like I want to cry. Maybe I've been burying it away too long and now it's coming out, I don't know. I just want to scream.... Ugh, this is short, but I just... I need to put it down in solid thought, what I'm feeling, the issues I'm having. Now I'm going to go back to bed and I'll take everything back out in the morning and look at it again, maybe I'll have better perspective then. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 18th, 2007
10:26 pm	Eric McKague Was A Man Who Grew With the Times The local paper ran an article on my grandfather today, this was a sign of his age, his place in the community, and our family's place. It was a good article, but difficult to read. It was true to life and because of that, Grandpa is portrayed as the complicated and troubled man he was, though the lighter sides are touched on. There were many things in the article I never knew, I spent almost 24 years with the man, and still barely knew him in a lot of ways. There were remarkable accomplishments in his life that rarely talked about. Only after his death for example, did any of us learn about his role in organizing Haile Selasse's visit to Canada. He was a very private, very reserved man, even to those who loved him the most. I'm writing up an entry on my memories of Grandpa, but I haven't gotten close finishing it yet and until then... I'd like to share the newspaper article on my grandfather, as I said, it's a very accurarate portrayal of a complicated man. Eric McKague Was A Man Who Grew With the Times By Bob Owen            Eric McKague lived most of his life in the 20th century, but his Canadian roots went back to the 1820s when his great, great grandparents John McKague and Jane (Wilson) emigrated from County Caven, Ireland and settled in a log house in Cherry Hill, near Baltimore, Ontario.             Eric’s grandfather father Robert was the first McKague to put down roots on the family farm that is still owned by the McKagues in Cramahe township.             Family records show that Robert and his brother George bought the McKague farm for $5,500 in 1875 from the Britnell family. Four years later, it was solely in Robert’s hands.             Eric was one of eight children of Robert’s son John and his wife Lena (McGregor).             Eric’s daughters Linda van Will and Carla joke that the four boys in their father’s family were all born in even years, the four girls in odd numbered years.             Eric, the second oldest, was born in 1910, and died on June 27, 2007 after a fall and a brief stay in the hospital. Apart from his final few days, Eric was only in hospital on one occasion in his entire life—a remarkable accomplishment for a man of 97.             His only surviving siblings are Florence, born in 1917, and Jim, born in 1922.             In her eulogy, Eric’s daughter Carla McKague noted, “Dad’s life was a very long one, and in many ways a very paradoxical one. It was filled with contradictions.”             Eric had a late start at Mount Pleasant school beginning at age eight or nine due to obligations at the farm. Even though his older brother Clarence started public school ahead of Eric, they both entered high school in Warkworth together so that Clarence wouldn’t have to drive the buggy by himself.             Eric graduated from high school with commercial training which included stenography skills and went to work for the Canadian National Railway, the company he retired from in 1975 at age 65.            It was noted at his retirement that Eric logged more time in business cars than anyone in CN history. During that time, he was involved in security for the royal visits of Princess Elizabeth and Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selasse. His job in the Selasse visit included arranging a rail car for Selasse’s menagerie of pets. In 1973, he sent a letter postmarked from the royal rail car.             It was not an uninterrupted career with the rail company. Eric was laid off during the depression and returned to the farm.             In 1938, he married Margaret Richards, the daughter of a country doctor.             It is a subject of family lore that Eric wrote long letters to his betrothed until his mother Lena remarked on his letter writing ability. Henceforth, his postcards simply noted his arrival time.             Daughters Carla and Linda arrived in 1939 and 1941 while the family was living in Toronto. Eric and Margaret’s only son Rick was born 15 years later in 1956.  A career on the rails             With Eric on the road most of the time, Margaret and the girls moved to Warkworth, seeing him largely on weekends.             During the second world war Eric handled the movement of the trains. He was frozen in his job and could not be drafted. Working with the RCMP, he was charged with security against terrorism. The girls remember he had to answer the phone at all hours.             In 1948, Eric’s job and responsibilities changed and he was able to spend more time at home—it was back to the city for the family and adjustment for the girls who now saw dad on a regular basis.             Another promotion necessitated a move to Montreal late in 1960. Eric, Margaret and Rick, who was now four, left Carla and Linda behind as Eric began his new position as General Superintendent for the Eastern region. It was a tough time to be responsible for security, especially with the FLQ crisis looming.             For the final years of his working life, Eric commuted by train to Toronto from Castleton. He was now the Special Assistant to the Vice President.             In 1975, at age 65, he retired. The party for the man affectionately known as “Tiger” was held in two business cars hooked together.             His daughters recall he could have carried on in the USSR or Zambia as a consultant for Trans Siberian or Zambian Railways but was terrified of flying—a fear brought on by his wife’s brother-in-law, Doug.             Doug had his own plane and a fondness for drink. He offered Eric a ride and decided to show him loop-to-loops.             Eric flew no more.  A lengthy retirement             A 32-year retirement is bound to have its share of up and downs.             He had financial security, a comfortable home that kept him near his family, and his enjoyment of golf, bridge and the computer and Internet. On the other hand, during that time he lost his wife, four siblings, his son and his granddaughter.             Margaret’s rheumatoid arthritis was a progressive, long illness that lasted 20 years.             His two daughters still marvel at the side they saw of their father as he supported his wife and cared for her until she passed away in 1985, ending a 47-year marriage.             Carla noted in her eulogy, “His support during her long final illness was unwavering, and his grief and loss at her death was overwhelming.”             For 10 years Rick and his wife, Wanda, moved into support Rick’s aging father.             In 1995 Linda took over until his death on June 27 2007.             There were many sides to Eric McKague, some known only to himself.             He was, unlike his siblings, affected by early tragedy in his life.             Described by his daughters as a conservative man who contained his emotions, he held strong opinions on many subjects and was generous. He was appalled that AIDS victims in Africa were not provided with the necessary drugs.             He could talk politics and economics by the hour, but was always reluctant to share his personal feelings and beliefs.             In 1975, he came to the startling conclusion that not everyone was equally as smart; there were other factors in a person’s success than laziness. It was the discovery of a man with a narrow education and an inquiring mind—one that embraced computers and the doors they opened.             Eric was over 90 when he embraced the theory of evolution.             His intellectual growth was one facet of his life that his daughter Linda witnessed in his final years. He loved to manipulate graphics on the computer, humorously altering the images of his various relatives.             Linda noted, “The Internet opened his mind to things he had never thought of before and he soaked up the knowledge like a sponge. He read, he researched, he questioned and he explored topics he came across by accident and he wondered and he learned and he loved it.”             When he had read the newspaper, he headed to the computer to read more online.             Linda noted in her eulogy, “For a man born in the era of the horse and buggy, Dad took to new technology faster and more efficiently than people half his age. That was the first time I realized he was not afraid to take risks.”             He dove into CDs, and late in life, found the Discovery Television channel. He learnt how to design his own greeting cards on the computer and sent them off to relatives and friends.            His intellect and competitive nature allowed him to still best family members at board games as recently as last Easter.             When it came to family, he was not demonstrative, but he was devoted. While his family was sometimes left guessing at his thoughts and could tell what he thought about most things, friends and associates describe him as witty and the life of the party.             Carla noted at his funeral, “He was, I think, baffled by his children. None of us turned out the way he expected or wanted. We had our own opinions, which seldom coincided with his, and wandered off in strange directions that made no sense to him. But, he gritted his teeth, continued to love us in a bewildered kind of way, and was there to help us out of the numerous pitfalls we fell into on our various paths.”             When Carla advised him that she was going to law school at age 38, he could not understand her motives. He could see the move if it meant she would make a lot of money. He could not understand how her desire to help the poor and oppressed would motivate her need for a legal education.             Public acknowledgement of Carla’s service by the Canadian Mental Health Association later in her career gave him new insight into the value of her work.             Eric’s wry side came out in his final visit to the hospital. Lying in the intensive care unit, he asked for a radio. When told it would likely interfere with ICU, he replied that it was more likely the other way around.             Some of the few thoughts he shared left family with the sense that there was a darker side.             When asked by his granddaughter Menya what he would change in his life, he replied, “Everything.”             On one summer visit to the family farm, Linda wondered aloud how life had been for her dad.             His reply still sticks in her mind: “Never warm enough and the work was never done.”             Perhaps his expressions came from a feeling that it wasn’t his lot in life to be happy. “What can’t be cured, must be endured.”             He had a role to play as the dutiful father and husband. Fulfilling that role meant he never fulfilled his lifelong wish to become an accountant. While there were not many stories told about work to the children, the girls remember he was happiest at budget time.             The reconnection with childhood friend Anne Hundevad provided Eric with companionship in his final 10 years. Despite his failing eyesight, the pair spent many hour together, playing games, talking and visiting.             Eric McKague was predeceased by his wife Margaret (Richards), siblings Clarence, Wilfred, Ethel, Leila (Kvistbo), and Doris (Rusk), his son Rick, and his granddaughter Menya Wolfe.             He is survived by his sister Florence (Stephens) and brother Jim, and two daughters Carla and Linda (van Will).             Eric was buried in Castleton Cemetery on June 30 following a service at Walas Funeral Home in Warkworth (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
1:43 pm	Life Without... My grandfather died last Wednesday. A week later I'm still a little fragile. After all, he'd always been there and I think some part of me thought he always would be and now he's not. After 97 years, Robert Eric McKague has left this Earth. It was actually a very emotional funeral. My aunts both wrote eulogies, which my cousin read, and my Aunt Carla's really hit at the heart of everything. She spoke in raw, honest words about the contradictories of Grandpa's life and she didn't try and sugar coat things, making things sound nicer and happier than they were. The truth is, Grandpa was never the warm and fuzzy type and he never had that great of relationship with any of us. He never understood his children or his grandchildren and none of us turned out like he wanted us too. Not a single accountant in the bunch. For a man who was so practical and valued that in others, he got a bunch of us artists and dreamers. My cousin Ben is a graphic artist, my cousin Jen is a pianist, so they make livings off their art, while I'm a writer, though I'm going through for teaching as a more practical way of feeding myself, and Erica also sings, though she too finds more practical ways of supporting herself. Still, not exactly careers Grandpa would have chosen. I loved Grandpa, I really did, but he was never an easy man and our relationship was definitely complex. Still, it's hard to think that it's all over, that he's just gone and that I'm not going to see him again. But then, maybe it's fitting of my relationship with Grandpa that it feels unfinished. It's not like it would ever really been resolved, even if Grandpa had lived another 50 years. He just wasn't the type to whom you could sit down and clear everything and tie it all up in a nice happy bow. Besides life doesn't work like that. In the end, I have few regrets. My relationship with Grandpa was what it was, there's no real changing that. Hell, I'm still just getting used to the idea that he's gone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 25th, 2007
6:26 pm	Unready My grandfather is dying. Saturday night my mother called me to tell me that Grandpa had a bad fall and that they were taking him to the hospital. The verdict was that he had broken all his ribs and punctured a lung, but that he'd be okay. Today, I was told that the doctor had told them this morning that there's no hope and that if we want to say goodbye, we need to do so today. I won't be able to make it down because of school commitments. Also, I've been told that it's better if I don't--he's in bad shape and my mother and aunt both think its better if my last impression of him isn't that way. I saw him last weekend, on father's day, and maybe that should be my parting memory. I'm not sure how I feel... People keep telling me he's 97, like that means I shouldn't grieve, shouldn't be sad or wish that he wouldn't die. It's like I'm not allowed to not want him to die, which doesn't seem fair. Yes, he'd old, but he's still... He's still my grandfather and he still means a lot to me. I lived with him until I was 12 and then we moved down the street from him. He was this huge influence on my life, in so many ways. In a lot of ways he was more stable than either of my parents. So, it's frightening that this huge prescence in my life will suddenly be gone. Especially since I'll have no male figure, really, at least not a blood relative. My father's gone. Has been gone for over three years. That's part of my thing too--the idea of losing grandpa makes me miss Daddy all the more. This is my father's father, one more connection to him, one more person who loved him, one of the three who loved him most and now it'll be down to two. It hurts, losing that connection to my own childhood and to my father and just the idea that Grandpa's not going to be there any longer. I know 97 is an amazing age, my grandfather lived a long, full life and it's his time. Rationally I understand that, but emotionally... I'm not ready to let him go. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
12:47 pm	Full-Fledged Panic-Attack So I failed my philosphy test. Pretty dismally too, I got 34%. Oh God, I got 34%. That's worse that the 47% I got on the Math test last semester and everyone knows Math is my worst subject, so that's forgivable, but this... Oh, God, I'm going to flunk out...  Ok, taking a deep breath and calming down. One test is not the end of the world. I can recover from this, I just have to work hard and study hard. I also have to make sure my essay kicks ass. Besides, maybe this is a good wake-up call for me, I need to get focused again. I think it's a combination of things. It's summer, not the easiest time to be focused on studying. This is my third straight semester and I'm feeling a bit of burn-out. And, well, I tend to let my personal life distract me. I'm afraid to tell Mark about my test grade, because I think it would confirm his fears that he's a distraction for me. So right now I just have to buckle up. I have to work hard and concentrate on school and stop letting other things disctract me. My current schedule has to change too. As it is, I'm spending a minimum of 4 evenings a week (and at least two of those are full days) with Mark, usually more, and at least 1 with my friends. My studying time comes late at night or the afternoons I spend at the lab.  To be fair, on the nights I spend with Mark, I do occasionally get some studying in--like last Saturday, I did homework while he and Doug played Warhammer. Mark's good about that. He's good about doing his own thing, while I study, so we're still technically together, even if we're not really interacting. No, mostly, it's my own lack of discipline and my friends. They're drama tends to seep into my life and it distracts me. Not good.  Before reading week (which starts June 22nd), I have two essays to write, the cyclopedia group project to do, two tests and an oral project. Plus two minor projects for my accademic writing class. I need to buckle down and concentrate. I just have to remind myself how important this is.  I want to be a teacher. To do that, I need to finish school and get my degree and I need good marks. I need like a 74% average this semester to continue onto York. I need to be able to do this. Getting my degree is a central part in my plan--Hell, I'm putting off everything else, marriage and kids, until it happens, so it has to happen. Graduate, go to teacher's college, get married, that's my plan right now and it's really important to me.  I can't fail out, I just can't. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
11:47 am	Overwhelmed I'm still feeling a little down these days. It's more like I'm just completley overwhelmed by everything that's going on in my life. School, friends, and all that.  I'm actually really glad I started posting here. The problem with my old blog was mainly that I felt restricted in what I posted, so I edited myself and that meant I didn't actually feel inspired to post there, but here I write what I want. It's a very freeing experience.  School's... This is my third straight semester without more than a three week break and it's really starting to get to me. I'm losing focus and that's a really, really bad thing. After all, I  have two more straight semesters to go, more than that if I choose to do the summer semester next year, which would speed me up.  Also, it's like I fell asleep and then woke up and suddenly my life had fast-forwarded. A year ago, I was drifting--unemployed, still debating going back to school, single, and still living with my mother. Now, here I am, almost 24, back in school, in a serious relationship, living on my own. I mean, it's really positive and really great, but it's a huge change and it's happened very quickly.  Last night, Mark asked me to think seriously about moving in with him. The plan is that we'll move in together in September, but last night he told me to take a few days and evaluate if I'm ready. He says that he did that and he detirmened that's what he really wants, but that he feels I'm conflicted. He's not completely wrong.  I've never lived truly alone. I lived at home, then went to a dorm, then back home, then to a boarding situation and now I have a roomate. I know that lot's of people never live truly alone and maybe it shouldn't frighten me, but I keep thinking of my mother who at 47 didn't want me to move out because she had never lived alone and had no idea how to do it and was terrified to try.  That said, I truly do want to live with Mark. I love him and I want... I want to move forward. Plus, I really, really hate saying goodbye at the end of the night and only getting to stay together once a week or so sucks. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that. So moving in togehter is a logical step.  At this point, I think the only real doubt is a result of just being weighed down by too much all at once. I need a way to step back and refresh and recharge. I need to let go of my friend drama and find a way out of my school woes and just become me again. I think this summer will help--Mark's parents will be in Croatia and we'll have the house to oursleves, which means we'll be together almost all summer (probably 4 or 5 nights a week), which will give me a good gage to go by. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2007
1:59 pm	The Future is Now In the last few days, I've been posting on here a lot and I started thinking about why--since I totally neglect my blogger blog. I came to the conclusion it's because this still has the anonynmetiy that my blogger blog has lost. Everyone knows I have that blog and a lot of people in my life read it, which makes me hesitate over what I write, since I don't want to deal with the fallout. Especially since I know a few of my relatives want it, which means that there are things that aren't going to be appropriate. Here, it's different, since most of those people don't even know it exists. Of my LJ friends list, there's only one person from my day-to-day life, the rest are friends from the Kelley Armstrong board. So, it's a bit easier to be completely honest and open. Or maybe it's just the fact that this is new and shiny. I don't know. I do find it easy to update here, to pour out some of my thoughts. Right now I'm focused pretty firmly on the future, both the immediate and the long-term. There's school, paying for school, getting through the next four years and then finding a job. There's making sure I have the grades and qualfications I'm going to need and everything else. So that's both long-term and short-term, because I need to worry about this coming semester, but also about the long run. Then there's my personal life, which is less of a concern because for once it's going remarkably well. Actually, it's been going well for the last nine months, sometimes I'm afraid that even saying that will jinx it, this is me we're talking about. When it comes to that future, it's more vague. We've talked about it, about what we want--like moving in together at some point in the near future and eventually getting married. Some day. So, I'm worried less about that and more about the rest of my life. It sort of dawned on me recently, that I'm a grown-up now. When did that happen? How can I go back and change it? Seriously, adulthood definitly has some perks, but it's kinda scary too. Especially when I realize that the future, the long-term future, isn't even all that far away. If all goes well, I'll be teaching in five years and I'll be married by then too. Things, I've alway put off as the far-away future, well, they keep getting closer. Scary. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
2:57 pm	Dark Mood I had one of those moods last night. The ones that I've been getting less and less the last year or so, where I'm just hit with an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness. The first year or so after the accident, those feelings were a way of life, it was unusual to not feel that way, then gradually in the second year I started having more and more good days, this last year the bad days have become infrequent, mostly confined to February. Yet, last night, I just... I just felt so sad... We were in the car and my cousin put on the Blue Rodeo song "It Hasn't Hit Me", which was one of Daddy's favourites, one of his "Rick" songs, and a special song for my cousin--it's the one that reminds her the most of him. Usually listening to music my dad loved makes me feel melancoly, but it also makes me smile, feeling as if he's right there with me. Not so last night, last night I just felt sad and empty, it just reminded me that he's dead. Suddenly, as I was listening to the song I was hit with the fact that I'm never going to see father again, never hear his voice or talk to him for hours. It's been over three years since I saw him and yet, sometimes the reality of his death still hits like a ton of bricks. Even now, I'm not ready for him to be gone. I'm not saying that I'm normally okay with him being dead, I'm not, but I've more or less come to terms with it. I've figured out how to move on with my life and live every day, like I'd know he'd want me to. Most days, I can be happy, I can live my life without focusing on the fact that he's gone. I still feel sad times, but rarely like I did yesterday, which was just this bleak, over-whelming feeling of absoloute despair. Not fun. I guess, part of it is, I thought I had gotten past them--I thought I had gotten to a point where I only get those moods one month a year, during those 18 days that mark the passage between his birthday and the anniversary of his death. Yet, here in the beginning of May, I was hit with one. Maybe it was the song, or the fishing party last weekend, or the fact that in two weeks my parents would have celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary. Or maybe it's just the fact that I haven't had one of these days in a while, maybe I'm just due. What I want to know is that does it ever go away? Will there be a time when I realize I haven't had one of those moods in a long time, not even in February? From what I've heard, it's doubtful. I'm told that it gets better, and it has been, but that it'll never get away. I'll never stop loving him, so I'll never stop missing him or grieving for him. It makes sense, but I guess part of me wishes that I could put all the pain behind me and close that dark, ugly period of my life. Yet, doing that would mean closing the door on Daddy and I don't want to do that. It's complicated, even in my own head. Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)